Rub my feet please?

Ughhhh. Last night was soooo tiring. When I first got there, Kate decided to tell me that since the Kum & Go people are forcing us to cut hours, she can't do everything in the kitchen anymore, so I have to do some more work. I'm totally ok with that, except for one thing. Like she said that she was telling me to do it because everyone knew it would get done if I was told to do it. Ok, this should make me feel good about myself, and it does, but I work the two busiest overnights in the week. And I mean, sometimes it's tough to get my regular work done. And they aren't telling the other overnight person to do it even though they should have enough time to do it. Hmf. It kind of annoys me. But whatever, I'll get it done because I'm desperate for the money. But I've realized something, I really don't care about it. Even though it does help me socialize, and I make money, if I didn't have to, I would not be working. But I do have to, so this is pointless. But onto the rest of the night, I go into the men's bathroom to clean it, to find that some one put loads of paper in the toilet and then shit on top of it. Way to fucking go asshole. It pissed me off so much. Not only that it was like that, but that no one told me about it. Ugh. It was so disgusting. Thank God for gloves.

But the rest of the night wasn't much better. It was so steady, like people just kept on coming in. I was ready to shut the doors. I was trying to get all my work done but it felt impossible. And what is really difficult is the card machine, because it only reads about a third of the cards people have, and then it makes me do the whole process like three times for it to work. It pisses me off, because the Kum & Go was able to buy new shitty coffee pots (that we have to refill every three hours, regardless of how much coffee we are throwing out), but they can't fix these machines. Ridiculous. But there were some good parts. One of the good parts was that I realized I'm not totally insane for not liking the other types of come-ons that I get. This one guy who was kinda nice started asking me if I had a boyfriend. I was thinking "Oh fuck no. Not this again." And I said no, and he asked why. And I said, "Well, I guess I just don't want one." This seems to be the magic answer. Because then he said something really nice, and I just wanted to hug him and thank him for not being a tool. He said something like that when I do want a boyfriend, that he knows that plenty of guys would like to date me because I'm a beautiful girl. Aw! It's not really true, because God knows that the day I start to want a boyfriend, no one will be interested, but it made me feel good. I mean he was high and drunk, so I can't put much stock in it, but it was still nice. And it made me realize that I don't have a problem with people hitting on me, I have a problem with the way those other guys do it. So that was an upside. And then there were some very funny drunk people. This girl I know from art classes came in and she was very drunk, and she had the hiccups. And her friend has this sort of yippy laughter. So every time she would hiccup, her friend would start with this laughter and the third friend would go crazy laughing at both of them. It was very funny.

But yea, that was pretty much my night. I got barely any homework done, which blows, but I'm gonna work on it now. I just want to lay in bed and let go of all my cares. Hmf. I am so ready for spring.

Numer tres.

Show me your teeth!

Yum. Two attractive, funny, Jewish men with fantastic teeth. Jake and Amir = proof that God exists. For serious. I am addicted to these men, and it is trouble.

Numero dos.

Ok, so based on my last blog, it's obvious that I am not a thin girl. Pretty much the opposite. And I've been this way for quite a while, and before I was really big, I was a chubby middle-schooler who thought she was fat, so I had low self esteem and I was super shy. So guess how the fella's treated me...yea. Badly. Or as if I didn't exist. And I have grown very used to this. And it's nice here when guys are nice to me and talk to me. It's definitely an upside, because I don't feel like some sort of disgusting monster.

But......I'm not into this other thing going on. Recently at the Kum & Go, some guys have been hitting on me. And I am just not into it. Like it's gross and skeevy. And they are the guys that jut get the generic, "Hi, how are you?" bit. Like we don't even talk about anything. And then they go and start telling me things about their anatomy, and I turn bright red, because I am not used to this shit! And I don't know if I ever want to be used to a stranger coming up to me and telling me things like that. But there is this one guy in particular, and he came in with this other guy who hit on me before (weird that out of the total of 3 guys that hit on me, two of them hang out together...). And he started asking for my number. I was like, "No...sorry." And then they started asking why, like did I have a husband, or a boyfriend, etc. And I answered, and I said that I don't give my number out, and that I was sorry. And they kept on pestering me, and asking if I thought they were ugly and blah blah blah. And I was like no, I'm nonchalant. Because it's true, I really am nonchalant about most men at this junction in my life. And then they accused me of being scared, which I still don't understand. And then they try and guilt me by saying, as they leave, "Oh I see we just aren't good enough for you." What! Seriously? Leave me alone! Ugh, it annoyed me.

But now to what I want to say about this incident: Why am I a bitch for not giving them my number? Or why do I feel like a bitch? And why do they have the right to try and make me feel guilty? Like honestly, do they expect every girl to just up and give them their number so they can feel good about themselves? Do they not expect some rejection? Or do they just not expect rejection from a fat girl? It annoys me. And when I was talking to Bri about this, she told me to lie to them. But I don't want to lie. Why should I lie? I don't like lying, and I don't see the point in it. Man up, deal with the truth. Plus, I mean all they are expecting out of getting my number would be to get some, and to feel good about themselves for getting a number. And I'm not going to give them "some." So what is the point? And I'm not trying to be a dick here, but they aren't looking for friendship, and they aren't the type of guys I would want to be friends with anyway. I mean I guess some one might say, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, but I'm cool with that. Like if I ever go up to a guy and asked for his number, I am fully ready for rejection, and I would just peace out if he said no. I would prefer honesty. And I didn't insult them, I told them that I wasn't looking for anything. So why can't they just take it? Why should I, as a woman, have to give my number out to some skeevy guys just to get rid of them? And how come if I don't give them my number, I become an uppity bitch? Or is that just because I wear glasses? Baha. No but really, I don't get it. Like, I try to be nice about it, I say sorry, and I give them a good reason. I just think it's fucked up, and just another double standard for guys and girls. If I went up to a fat guy and offered myself to him, he could easily say no, without any hassle, but just because I'm a fat girl, I'm supposed to be desperate, so I shouldn't say no to anyone. Ridiculous. It really really really bugs me. And the worst part is that when I get over my plateau and start to lose again, it will probably not get any better. Fuck. This blows. I'd rather go back to the days where no one hit on me, there was just fun and witty banter. Thats the type of flirting/come-ons I like, wittiness, and jokes. None of this I'm-gonna-pressure-you-into-giving-me-your-number-and-if-that-doesn't-work-I'll-insinuate-that-you-are-uppity. Bullshit dude. Bullshit.

There are soooo many things I need to write about!

Seriously. I haven't written in a while, and there is a build up of things I want to say. So I am going to break it up into three blogs, and I might not finish them all tonight, but whateva. Haha. Ok, so numero uno. This freaking snow, and this freaking weight. Ok, I think I have mentioned that I have hit a plateau in the whole weight loss situation. Which is really difficult to deal with, because it involves a lot of experimenting with diet and exercise, and too much emotional eating. So this has been going on for a while, and it's bumming me out even though I am trying really hard to just relax. But, it's like when you work hard for nothing, and I know it's not for nothing, but it feels like it's for nothing. And that bothers me. It bothers me a lot, because I have a lot going on, and if I wasn't so determined to do this thing, I could easily just stop working so hard. But I won't let myself. And that's good, but it's also very hard. And what's harder is getting up and going to the gym in the morning when I know it's freezing outside. It's awful. I just want it to be warm again! And I want to start walking to school again! But that won't happen for another while.

But anyway, this week has been rough, because I have been super tired. I know it's only tuesday, but it still has been a bad week so far. I have just been out of it, and I am going to blame it on the weather. It's all snowy and gross outside and it makes me tired. So this morning I only burned 750 calories because I was so tired. But tomorrow I am going to try and do extra to make up for it. Also, Cat gave me some tips about how to get a better fat burn at the gym, so I think I'm going to change up my gym schedule. From now on I think I am going to do like 15 minutes on the stair-master, 15 minutes on the treadmill, and a half hour on the elliptical. And hopefully that will get me to my goal of 1000 for each gym session. But mostly I hope that that will help me finish this plateau shit. I also need to get back into my pristine eating habits. I have been bad recently, and I am going to fix it. I am going to get back into being good.

I just hate that because of this plateau, I will probably not get to my second goal by my birthday. It will probably be pushed off until the beginning of Fall semester. That depresses me, but I've got to take life as it comes. All I can do is continue to work hard and hope for the best.

the Kum&Go would be infinitely better if...

...I did not have to wear this uniform. Seriously, INFINITELY BETTER! It would just be so wonderful. But whatever. I have work at 3:30, so I'm gonna blog it up real quick. There are a few things on my mind. One of which is that they are remaking the movie Death at a Funeral, which is like a british comedy that was hilarious. But now, American film producers are crazy lazy and decided to remake it with black people, and the same midget. Oh, and the one creepy crazy guy in the movie is white. Way to go. But thats not my problem, I'm all for black people in movies, and I feel like if it was black British people, it wouldn't be as bad. But it's like Chris Rock, and Martin Lawrence. No. I am so upset. Like it's totally different types of humor, and the trailer just makes it seem baddd. I mean it might be a step up for Chris Rock and/or Martin Lawrence, whose films are usually sub-par in my opinion, but compared to the original? It's gonna be awful. I am not excited. I am also not excited for when loads of people see the new version and either rave about how great it is, or complain about how much it sucks. It will not be fun for me. Sad day.

Also, I wanted to talk about what art is. In my mass media class we read about this article that is claiming that how the media follows/covers celebrity is a form of art. And originally I was appalled. My brain just went "no" and shut that shit down! But then I started feeling like I was being snooty and maybe it was art. So I spent a lot of time over the weekend thinking about if it is art, and if it isn't, why isn't it? And I could not come up with a reason to say it wasn't art! I mean first I was thinking that since it's a human's life it isn't created. But then I realized that since the general population is not seeing the whole life of a celebrity, just a CONSTRUCTED view of it, it could be art. And now I think it is art. I mean it's a medium that people have to make seem interesting to the populace, and isn't that what artists do? It's mind boggling! I'm glad that I thought about this more, because I was feeling hoity-toity about it. But another thing I was thinking about is, what exactly qualifies as art? I mean anything can be art, just as long as it was constructed, I think? It doesn't mean it's good art, but it's still art. Like some one who designs cars is an artist, in my opinion. But then that makes an overflow of art. But that's a good thing right? Hm. It is a weird concept. Art. The dictionary says, Art= the expression or application of human creative skill and imagination, typically in a visual form such as painting or sculpture, producing works to be appreciated primarily for their beauty or emotional power. Hmm that sounds about right. And then that would mean that this paparazzi type of stuff is art! Crazy!

So besides that, not much is going on. My brain is getting fuzzy again and clouding stuff up. Annoying. It's like one of those things that is good and bad. Hmf. Another thing: I am afraid that I come off cold. Like I can talk to people for a while, and I can get the initial process off the ground. But then when it comes to the time when maybe I should go out of my way to talk to them, I clam up! When it's up to me to see if the relationship will become more than a pleasant acquaintance, I fuck it up. I just have no clue what to say sometimes. I am going to work hard on this. I also have a problem with being able to talk to people at the Kum & Go, but then not being able to talk to them at school or anywhere else. It's mad awk (in correct terms, it's very awkward baha). I need to work on this too, but again, I have no clue what to say. I'm just socially odd. I don't know. While I am at the Kum & Go today, I am going to try to formulate a plan! It might be an awful plan, and I might not execute said plan, but at least I am going to try to work it out. Bah. I have to work on this. My brain is too intense. It really should take a break sometimes and let me just do my thangggg.

I hope that today there are no weirdo's in. On saturday night there were soooo many. gross.

Argh Raccoons!

I hate raccoons. So freaking much. They creep me out hardcore. Last night I had this awful dream in which I was coming back to my apartment after being away for maybe like a weekend. My father was with me (I don't know why). So I open my door and this tiny little skunk-looking raccoon is running around my feet! Gah! It freaked me out. It was a baby raccoon. And I was going crazy asking where it came from and whatnot. And then it kind of fast-forwarded and I was patching up loads of holes in my walls that a big raccoon had burrowed. And my dad was sitting on my couch bossing me around and not helping me. But then the baby raccoon came back and I was like so skeeved out. And then dad grabbed the baby raccoon and like pushed in on his skull and killed it. And even though I was relieved, I started crying. And then I woke up and my leg was like dangling off my bed and I imagined a raccoon hand grabbing my leg and pulled my leg back up on the bed. Ughhh. Raccoons are soooo gross. It creeped me out.

So besides that, it's my mom's birthday! I miss her and I wish I could be with her. Also, today I had my Sula group presentation. I woke up early and made pudding, I had to make 2 batches because I burnt the first batch. And then I went to class and did my thing. I have a good bit of pudding left, but whatever. But what I was really thinking about is how I have totally defeated my fear of talking in front of the class. Like I used to be that kid in middle school that would turn an unnamed shade of red and cry when I had to get up in front of the class. Now I just get a little shaky beforehand, but I can get through it fine. I feel proud about that. It is nice to feel proud, because recently my self-esteem has been taking a few hits. Like I haven't been losing poundage even though I've been working hard. So that's been rough, but I've decided that I am going to just keep on doing what I've been doing, mix it up a little, and eventually I will get over this plateau and lose again. So I am trying to be confident.

I think I am going to try and get honors credit for my 20th Century Lit class. I am gonna ask B-White today if I can read one of Carson McCullers' books or novellas and to a literary analysis of it for honors credit. I doubt he will mind. I am excited.

Oh and....

Here's my art project. It was done after a blind contour drawing. So it's bent and shaped metal brazed together, and then spray-painted black. I like itttt.

Fiona Apple is my life right now.

Ok, So I love this song. I love Fiona Apple. She's a cool

cat. Also, her version of Across the Universe is freaking

beast!

But in other news, I hate when my brain cannot decide

how it feels. It makes me do a confused face. My brain

hurtssss. It's like when you see an actor in a movie and

you KNOW they were in something else and you just

can't figure it out. It's just like that. Like I have this

weird notion going on in my head and I can't name it.

I know I've felt some form of it before, but I can't tell

what it is or what it means! Harrumph. It's a nuisance.

And I KNOW it is a nuisance, yet I cannot forget

about a feeling. I wish I could, but I cannot. It irks me.

Mmm.

So, things are great. Yesterday, things were awful. I was in a really bad mood. And I think I needed to be annoyed and cranky. But today I woke up and I just felt much better. So today has been a super day.

Right now I am working on my response paper to Sula by Toni Morrison. I am doing this one for double credit. I am excited. I really like this book. I also have to do the group project for this one. I'm a little nervous about the group thing, but I will make sure it work.

Tomorrow I get to mount the face I made out of wire in the hall of the Helene Center. I'm psyched because I love it. It is creepy but so much fun. I'll probably take a picture of it and post it on here. I am exciteddddd. I like actually making things with my hands. It releases stress.

I have downloaded so much music recently (legally and illegally :-/). But it is very nice. I love getting new music. It's literally been like over 700 songs! That's crazy! but it's so nice. And it's a lot of music that I've been wanting to get for a while.

Ok, back to work!!

Kum & Go, Lamoni Style

Right so, I sometimes complain about the Kum & Go. That classy institution in which I hold a job. Well I would like to mention that it is not all bad! I mean besides the fact that on wet days I have to mop the floor a minimum of 3 times, and each time I do so it seems like people always come in right when I finish. But, besides that, there are some great perks. For example, I get to do a shit-ton of homework. And because I'm usually not distracted I understand it better than when I do it at home. And the best thing about the Kum & Go is that since I work on Friday and Saturday nights, I tend to get a bunch of fun and entertaining drunk kids in. It's a whole bunch of fun. Last night I had some kids that started dancing to the music the Valentines Day Rapper Man was popping out. It was truly hilarious. However, they said they were not drunk, but it was still fun. It's definitely a great thing. Also, I get free refills in my Kum & Go cup. Thats an upside. Even though I usually get water and water is free anyways. But that's ok, it's still good.

There are two things I absolutely love about Lamoni/Graceland

Well there might be 3 or 4, but I am going to talk about two right now.

1. Ok, I love the people here. For the most part, they are like 10 times nicer than the strangers in New York. It is so much easier to talk to people. And the guys are totally different. Like in New York, it's like guys don't talk to me, and I feel like it's because they are nervous that if they are nice to the fat girl, she will glob onto them and never let go. But here, people aren't dicks like that. I truly enjoy it. I'm not sure how all these awesome people have come together at one school, but I am so glad it was the school I decided to go to. I mean obviously there are some dickish people here too, but they are very easy to forget about when it seems like most people are nice.

2. I love how much sky I can see. Like since the ground is flat, the sky is so open. And when it's nice out, its like a warm bath of blue. It's honestly amazing. I just really like the openness.

So yea, those are probably the top two reasons I like it here. Recently I have just been feeling so complete and good about myself. I'm glad. Things are going good for me :]

I'm sorry to all the sane republicans, but this just has to be talked about...

There was this poll done by asking 2,000 self-defined republicans in January 2010, and here was something I found interesting:

Do you believe Sarah Palin is more qualified to be President than Barack Obama?

Yes 53
No 14
Not Sure 33

WHAT!!!! what. what? why? How is this even partially possible? 14% said no? I will say that I actually did have higher hopes for Republicans. I mean Sarah Palin? I could maybe understand McCain, because at least he was..um, how shall I put this? Well, at least McCain isn't retarded. Well actually, that is an insult to people who actually are mentally challenged, because at least they have reason. SARAH PALIN is a big fucking idiot that makes me squirm in pain when I think about how she is a public figure for women. Truly, she disgusts me. Spewing what she calls thoughts, is something she should never do. And for 53% of the polled Republicans to think that Sarah Palin, a woman who thinks Creationism is real, is more qualified than Barack Obama, a Harvard graduate, is so disgusting that its laughable. Now there are some questions about if this poll is a little skewed to make Republicans seem crazy, so I do take that into account. However, I don't forget how many people in Stony Point, my hometown area, were in awe of her! And I couldn't help but guffaw every time a WOMAN came in and praised her to the skies. I mean she is the exact opposite of progression of woman, and those women who had her back JUST BECAUSE SHE HAD THE SAME GENITALIA AS THEM, are sexist, and sad! I will never stop disliking that woman, and I will never respect her unless she comes out and tells the world how much of a disgrace she is.

Should same sex couples be allowed to marry?

Yes 7
No 77
Not Sure 16

Should gay couples receive any state or federal benefits?

Yes 11
No 68
Not Sure 21

Should openly gay men and women be allowed to teach in public schools?

Yes 8
No 73
Not Sure 19

Should openly gay men and women be allowed to serve in the military?

Yes 26
No 55
Not Sure 19

This makes me mad. Furious. Like what can openly gay men and women do? They shouldn't be allowed to teach, or defend their country? And really, Republicans? You're going to deny gay men and women their PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS if it means getting married, or being in the military? I just love how the same republicans that took this survey would probably call me a traitor and unpatriotic. It hurts me to think that so many people are still so prejudiced. It hurts my heart.

Should public school students be taught that the book of Genesis in the Bible explains how God created the world?

Yes 77
No 15
Not Sure 8

Wow. I would cry if my Social Studies or Science teacher started teaching me about Adam and Eve.

I'm going to stop putting these things up, but I would just like to mention that about a third of the polled wants contraceptives outlawed. I am going to have to believe that these 2000 republicans are just like the ultra conservatives, because my brain cannot handle otherwise.

source:http://www.dailykos.com/story/2010/2/2/832988/-The-2010-Comprehensive-Daily-Kos-Research-2000-Poll-of-Self-Identified-Republicans

Tegan & Sara

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Va9uOHGZskg

I really love this video, and I love the way Tegan, the singer, moves her face and forms words. I like little details like that.

I can't tell how my day was.

Today has been weird. This morning I woke up to go to the gym (with difficulty), but there was a class going on in there. So I left, and I fell on my ass on the ice. And now I have a bruise on my arm. That sucked. Then I came home and showered, and then I started to lay in bed, for what was supposed to be 5 minutes, but became an hour. Then I went to the Toni Morrison class. I love that class so much, but it always makes my stomach and heart writhe in pain. Toni must be magical, because she makes me feel so strongly. We were talking about The Bluest Eye, and how Freida was molested, and it just took so much out of me. It just drained me. I swear, I am always in awe of Toni Morrison. And then I came home and hung around for about an hour. Then I had 20th Century Lit and then Cultural Studies.

I just have been thinking a lot about some family stuff. It's been bothering me. I'm just having trouble connecting things in my head. And I'm having issues with my beliefs, not like religious, but just thoughts in general. My brain has just been acting up. I'm also getting really worried about this losing weight thing. I'm afraid I'm going to hit a wall. grr.

But to some nice things, the sun is shining! That is always a good thing. And my classes are going great, I honestly like all of them! I am really excited about these classes. And plus, we're almost done with "To the Lighthouse" in 20th Century Lit, and thats REALLY good. I like the plot and all, but all the extra stuff fogs my brain up and I can't comprehend any of it. Maybe the third time I read it, it will be better?

hmmm.

I haven't had time to update, but not much is happening. However today I realized that sometimes I forget how much I actually like it here and how much I love my life. I should really try to stop forgetting these things. :]