My legs are on FIYAHHHH!

For serious. Every time I move them, there is pain everywhere. I feel like this is good in the long run, but as of now, it's not fun.

On another note, Blog should allow me to post audio. Tumblr does it! But I don't like posting to my tumblr. Alack.

So when I was in KC the other day, I bought a really cute notebook at Hammerpress. And I love it. I have decided to use it as a little dictionary/great quotes thing. Since I blog, I don't really journal, so I know I wouldn't use it for that. But I am really excited. I titled it "Words are Great." I am so jazzed about it.

Dears.

Dear Graceland Friends:

I miss the crap out of you. I like joking around with you kiddies. Don't forget about me! Even though I love summer vacation, I kind of can't wait until September again.

Dear B. White/Cultural Studies:

Thanks for ruining every single movie I watch. Oh wait, NO. NO Thank you for that! I love cultural studies, but it's become a danger to my ability to enjoy movies. I literally cannot watch a movie without picking something out that we talked about in class. I know that's probably considered a success, but for me, it is sad.

Dear Kum&Go:

I hate your freaking guts. You are the scum between my my toes. Plus you're kind of a jerk for scheduling me for 5 days off when my sister ISN'T out here. But I'll take it all the same :]

Dear Me:

Buck up soldier! Get on these goals for the summer!

Run Forest! Run!!

Whew! Ok, so today I ran! Let's back it up a bit and explain why this is blog-worthy. So, when I was younger, I was super asthmatic. So basically, any time I would exert myself physically, I'd basically start wheezing and have problems with breathing. After a while I started associating running with not breathing. Therefore running has not been a favorite of mine. I have kind of equated it with wheezing and feeling awful. But today, I did it! I ran!! And I am going to continue to do it all summer! Even though I feel like I look ridiculous haha.

I'm happy with it, and I really hopes that it helps me lose weight over the summer. I'm gonna work on it!

"I like having sex, but I'd rather get some head..."

Girl Talk. It is the sickest music. It's like the Family Guy of music. In that to get it, you need to know quite a wide range of music. Not in the way of being funny or crude. Even though sometimes it is both. I like it quite a bit!

Rule #4

Do not drive away from the pump with the nozzle still in your car.

Now, to most people, this would seem like an obvious rule. However, last night, a woman DID drive away with the nozzle in her car, and ripped the hose from the pump. She got all the way to Liberty Missouri, which is like 2 hours away, with a gas pump hose dangling out of her car. Wow. But not only that, which to be honest, on it's own was enough of a hardship last night, but because of this lady, all the pumps starting shutting off every hour. I called loads of people and no one helped me. Let's just say last night was a night from hell.

Busy Busy Busy

It's very difficult trying to keep a whole other person entertained. I have been very busy attempting it. I don't know how well it is working. Yesterday Cat and I went to Des Moines. It was cool. We were kind of tired though. Plus it was super sticky-hot. Also, I have been fighting a cold recently, so I was lacking in my brain and body. Yuck. Today we are going to Kansas City, even though according to the museum's website, they aren't open on tuesdays? Which makes me really sad. But, we are going to go to the zoo and probably drive around a bit.

I am going to try and be healthier today. For some reason it is just so much easier to eat badly when I hang around with people. But I am going to be better today.

Late nights and bad magazines

Fuck. This thing just deleted a paragraph. Gr. Well it's 3am and I'm typing this on my phone at the Kum&Go. I just found a bug in my hair, and now I feel super itchy. I was debating whether or not I should include that tid-bit in this, because it makes me seem unclean, but I decided that I would put it in. So, clarification, I am hygienically sound. I was just outside a lot earlier, so a bug probably had fallen on my head. It still grosses me out, so that probably means that if anyone is reading this, they are probably still grossed out.

I am training a kid today. He is doing pretty well, hence I have a lot of time on my hands. I've already sqeegied the windows of the Kum&Go, and swept the majority of the parking lot. And I have read two very crappy magazines that make me realize why they are one of my least favorite media. They were "Us" and "Cosmopolitain." I mean I didn't expect much, but they really do suck. Especially "Cosmopolitain," because it isn't obvious that it sucks. It is probably one of the most contradictory magazines ever. One page pushes how to be prettier and how to sexually please your man, when the next one says to "be you." No wonder women don't know what they want.

This and some other things have reignited my excitement for my senior honors seminar. I am really diving into this, and I've even started to pull books in as well. It's crazy.

I can't wait to get out of here tonight. I'm tired and I feel sick. Yucko.

4.0 MOTHERFUCKA's

Yea, that's right, a mother-fricken 4.0! I am so pumped. Since I've been at Graceland, I have only gotten A's. So awesome. So now my overall GPA is 3.88. I am so close to the 3.9 that I can taste it!

Cat is coming out today!!!

Book #2 Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

"She remembered the lead ammunition in her pocket and offered it to him. 'Your balls, Mr. Darcy?' He reached over and closed her hand around them and offered, 'They belong to you Miss Bennet.'"

This book literally made me laugh out loud too many times to count. There are loads of one liners like this one that killed me. This book is AMAZING! Besides the sheer kickass-ery of combining Pride and Prejudice with zombies, the changes in the plot were so great. Like the fact that Charlotte Lucas only married Mr. Collins because she was 'stricken' or turning into a zombie. And how she was slowly changing, and how her speech became labored. It was hilarious. And then how Mr. Collins killed himself! that was awesomeeee! This sounds like I'm crazy, but it's ok. One of the parts I loved the most was that Wickham was crippled by Darcy. So much better. Also, Darcy's reasoning for not wanting Bingley to marry Jane was so much better in this book. He thought that Jane was stricken! Soo much better. This book was fantastic. I love the shit out of it.

On another note, THERE IS GONNA BE A FUCKING MOVIE!!!!! And fucking NATALIE PORTMAN is going to be Elizabeth Bennet. It already sounds like the best movie ever. I am so excited.

Another great thing about this book is the back. This is what it says:

JANE AUSTEN is the author of Sense and Sensibility, Persuasion, Mansfield Park, and other masterpieces of English literature. SETH GRAHAME-SMITH once took a class in English literature.

Hahahahah. I love everything about this book. I mean sure, it's not exactly class A type literature. And it kind of is just adding bits about ninjas and zombies into Jane Austen's work. But you know what, Kudos to this guy! It's funny, and people that don't like it are probably just taking it too seriously. It's a joke, it's supposed to be a joke. It's obvious he knows that he isn't Jane Austen, but he's putting a playful spin on it, and I give him props for that. Not too many people would have the balls to do something like this. I like it.

So next is Moby Dick. It might take me a bit longer.

Ok, "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies"

I know I will love this book already. First sentence: "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains." Bahaha. I laughed out loud on the first sentence. This book will be a winner.

Book #1 Rant by Chuck Palahniuk

"'My life might be little and boring, but at least it's mine- not some assembly-line, secondhand, hand-me-down life'" -Rant Casey

First book of the summer is done. And I like it. I was surprised how it ended up, with all the time travel, but it was very enjoyable. I figured there had to be something fishy going on when I realized Chet had all the same scars as Rant. It was interesting. But what I really loved was learning about Rant's childhood. Like that his mother would put little random things, like stones, or tinfoil, or thumbtacks, in food, to make people eat slowly and REALLY taste her food. I think that is so funny, and I have no clue how Chuck comes up with that. It's almost like "Well if you and society are going to force me into this role of house-wifery, then I damn well better be appreciated for it, so I'll stick stuff in my food so that you HAVE to taste it." Haha, I think it's hilarious. And that Rant would purposely get bitten by anything and everything. So crazy. It really amazes me that some one can think this stuff up. Chuck and Toni are the reasons why I feel so inadequate, because I sincerely doubt I will ever be able to think up the shit they've got going on in their brains. It is so awe-inspiring.

And I liked that Echo wasn't some sort of perfect vision of beauty. And that she was a virgin even though everyone thought she was a sex worker. Funny. But I'm wondering, if both Chet and Green were Rant, how did they get split? I know at one point they say that time splits if you try and kill your ancestors, but I don't remember anything about people splitting. Well, actually, Chet is Rant after he time travels through the crash. Green is Rant's father and grandfather and great-grandfather. So Green isn't Rant, he's just related to Rant. Hm. It is a very interesting story.

Next I'm going to read "Pride and Prejudice and Zombie," which very well may be hilarious.

Rule #3

Don't preach to me.

I almost feel like saying "'nuff said," but I want to explain. It is surprising how many people that are out at night are jesus freaks. And I'm not talking about nice older ladies who like jesus. I'm talking about people who spend 30 minutes telling me the story of Christ (which I already know), or taking my hand and asking if they can pray for me. I'm talking about dudes who look like they are in a rock band, and call God Abba/Allah, and pray at me, and call me "Sister." I'm talking about dudes who most definitely seem to be high and ask me if I was one of those girls that had a daddy that treated me like a princess, because I had such a glow and confidence that I just had to have gotten that from a daddy who treated me well. This is not only condescending, because just in case you didn't know, women can be confident without the help from a male, but it is also very false. I'm kind of sick of yessing and mhmm-ing these people to appease them. However, telling them that I do not believe in organized religion and that I just believe in what experience has taught me will probably get me another 45 minutes of "I'm-just-trying-to-save-you," crap. Eh, it's annoying.

Rule #2

Do not expect favors from me. Just because you fake-flirt with the fat girl at the Kum & Go doesn't mean she will magically be able to get some hot dogs to you.

I'm the fat girl obviously haha. No but really, last night was all about favors. Like 5 guys asked me to either let them buy beer after 2:00 am, or give them a discount, or whatever. Mmm, how about...no? That sounds good. Just leave already?

Besides the constant favors, last night was still shitty. I dropped over $1300 into the safe. And usually in fridays, I maybe drop about half of that. I was so busy. I didn't stop moving all night. So now I'm totally wiped out, but it's ok. After this weekend, work will be easier. I'm excited to get some reading done.

Ok, bitch-mode over

I talked to my mom, and vented. And now I've decided I'm not going to bitch about this shit again for a while. I'm just going to get some student loans, and try to work. I'll do my best and stop worrying about how I could do more, because I'm tired of it. So I'm just going to get over this over-responsible schtick, and move on. I mean technically if I went to school in NY, I'd probably accrue $45,000 in debt in one year, probably more. So really, 3 years of school for what would be one year in NY, is really good.

End of bitching. Going to start living. :]

So fucking ready...

I am so ready to just say "Fuck this," and do what I want. I really really am. And I might. I am really sick of spending my time worrying about bullshit that shouldn't worry me. You know what I'm sick of being so responsible. I'm sick of worrying about everything for everyone.

Right now I'm waiting to hear if Katie is going to show up at work. Because if she doesn't, I'm going to have to work. It's not fair. So many fucking times, I've tried to get a day off, and nope. But if some one doesn't show up, I take it upon myself to nap and be prepared for her to not show up. I'm hoping to God that she will, but if she doesn't, I'd be going in. It's not fair, and I am really sick of it. Like, why should I take it upon myself to do all this for a shitty job? I don't get it.

I just want to stop working. I mean for the summer, I will. But after that, I just really don't want to be there anymore. But the amount of debt I'm going to have scares me. Like I really just want to get the fuck out of there and actually enjoy my experience! I don't know. This is probably just a mood I'm in at this moment. I just wish I could stop putting all this responsibility on my back. I need to stop doing this to myself.

That's going to be one of my goals now, to stop taking on other people's responsibilities. And to stop caring so much about the money stuff, I mean, I'm gonna be in debt any way, and I'm doing what I can about it. There's not much else I can do.

College Bills

Ok, I'm going to sound like a dick. But sometimes I get really annoyed that my parents didn't think about saving up for college education. Like we weren't poor when my parents were together. And it's just kind of been irking me recently. I know my mom has been helping me as much as she can, and I love her for that. And sure, my father would help me if I begged at his knees and paid him 3% interest and felt like a jerk everyday of my life. But I mean, really, before the real estate thing went down, we were not poor. Like before the divorce we were very comfortable, and they could have put a bit aside. I mean I know mom wanted to, but dad was greedy and didn't want to think about it. But still, come on! It's kind of been annoying me, because I just have all this money crap on my back. And I'm going crazy working and trying to get A's and trying to lose weight, and trying to meet people. Like it's freaking intense. I mean by the time I'm out of college, I'll probably be $45,000 in debt. It's kind of ridiculous. Which is not including the money I owe my mom or my dad. I mean I know that for 3 years that isn't bad, but it's still not good. And I just wish that they could have thought about our future. Ugh. I know I should be thankful for any help I get, but sometimes it just bothers me.

Summer Time

Ok, so I have some summer goals! They are hopefully going to be pretty fun, and some may be difficult. But it's ok. I'm excited. So here are some of my goals:

• Explore the Midwest
• Read a whole bunch!
• Write some stories
• Lose weight
• Pay off Summer Courses
• Get A's in summer courses
• Take pictures
• Make Art!
• Explore Lamoni
• Find the Ugliest Tie!
• Thrift-store shopping!
• New T.V.!

These are some of my goals. And I am very excited. I don't know how many I will achieve, but I hope all of them. I have 42 books to read, not counting a bunch that I have to re-read. I probably won't read all 42, but I will read a lot of them. It just kind of sucks that I have to pay so much for my college courses. Because if I didn't then I would be able to save up and then buy some nice clothes before next semester. That would be nice. But I guess it's ok, I'll just have to buy thrift store stuff. I'm going to see how much I can do. Next week Cat is coming out, so we'll do some exploring together! I'm excited. I think I will have a good summer!

Art Baby!

This is my art final! 12 pictures of my face, defaced, in the Helene. I am in love with it. I think it is liked. I wish I could leave it up forever! But I cannot :[ I love making art here.

So confident right now :]

I got some of my work back! And the essay I wrote about Grey's Anatomy and The Male Gaze, was one of those things. Oh gosh! It was like the most enjoyable essays I've written in while. And I got 100 on it!!! I don't remember the last time I got 100% on a paper! The thing that makes it so good is that it was a paper I was confident in! Like it just reinforces the confidence I had in it. I am shocked but so happy. And since it was BWhite who gave me 100, it's even better. He's not the type of professor to hand out 100's to mediocre work! Honestly, it just feels so awesome. I feel so good, and I feel like I could be a good writer. I just feel justified now. Like I definitely did something right.

I really just feel so good.

Final Week

I'm kind of so sad but also so relieved that classes are ending. I feel worn out. But this semester has just been so fantastic. I'm going to miss my classes and my friends. My friends. It feels weird to say that. But it is what it is. And it's good. And really, I'm excited about next semester. If all goes as planned, next semester should be killer. Some things about me will be different. Better, happier. I hope that the strides I make during the summer will help me in the long run. I am nervous and excited.

Contemplating Life Choices

Ok, so yesterday, my momma started talking to me about not working at the Kum&Go next semester. This in and of itself is interesting. My mom has always been a firm proponent of me working. She has been all about it from the beginning. However last night she starts saying that if I needed/wanted to stop working it wouldn't be the worst thing. Now, I've been thinking about this before, playing with the idea, not committing to it. But when she mentioned it, I realized that maybe there is some stock in this idea. Like, next semester I'm taking 19 credits, I am doing the Tower, and I've promised myself a social life. The fact that I have to "promise myself a social life," says so much about how I need a break. And maybe if I didn't work, I could do even better in my classes and better my writing skills. Not to mention read more. Basically, I would be doing things that would actually better my life.

I have been contemplating this idea all night at the Kum&Go. And maybe it's just because tonight and last night were two of the most hellish nights I've had there, but I am seriously thinking of working the summer, plus maybe 2 or so weeks in September, and then giving in my notice. I mean, sure I'd basically have to live off of student loans, but I could try and get work at the college. I don't know. Right now, I'm feeling like being in debt is totally worth having a college experience here. I am going to talk to my momma a little more about it, and I am going to think about it more. It might be a plan?

Rule #1

When stealing from the Kum&Go, Don't be obvious.

Ok, it's bad enough that I don't care enough about the Kum&Go's money to actually try and stop people from stealing. However, it's even worse that some people really fucking suck at stealing. So, it's almost an insult to myself to not report them. Like really, walking stiff-backed, constantly looking over towards me, to see if I'm looking, stuffing large bottle-shaped objects into your pants, is so obvious that it literally insults me. I feel insulted today. And, it's just so stupid that they would come in and steal while I'm there. I mean I go to college with them, if I wanted, I could find out their names and get them in trouble. How stupid. I mean, I'm not going to do that, because I sincerely don't give a shit about the Kum&Go and the money they lose. But, at least put a little effort into it, sheeeyat.

By the way, I am going to do little rules like this sometimes. It's fun.

ACK! Good times!

So I have been having some great times recently, even though I am totally bogged down with homework and studying. But I have been hanging out with friends, and enjoying myself.

However, what I really want to write about is something BIG! This week I found out that I won a Velma Ruch scholarship! It's only $1000, but that is a lot for me! The English department chose me and 3 other students to give money to. It is so nice to be appreciated. I'm able to shine here, and I am very glad. I am just so thankful for Velma, and the English Department for choosing me. It's just the greatest thing, and it makes me realize that I did make the right decision. I am just so happy.

Besides that amazing news, I have been going crazy doing stuff. And this week and on, I'm going to be working more. Katie gave her notice because she is going to grad school. So once school ends I'm basically taking on the full time position overnight. It's good in one sense, because I need money, but it also sucks since Cat is coming out. But I'm just going to have to make due. It's kind of annoying, but I'll have to deal.

Hélène Cixous

❝...living means wanting everything that is, everything that lives, and wanting it alive.❞

-Hélène Cixous

I haven't written in a while. I've been very busy. Schoolwork has been ridiculous recently. But now I'm on the last stretch and I just finished my last big paper. So last week I got robbed, and basically this whole week has been retelling the story in a humorous way. And I'm cool with it, because it really is funny. And I'm in the fricken Lamoni paper. There's a picture and everything. It's kind of ridiculous. But it has been a source of laughter and talking to people.

So today, as I said, I wrote my last big paper. And it had to deal with women writing. And just feminism in general. And I love, love, love Hélène Cixous. She's an amazing french feminist. What I really love about her is that she doesn't expect women to give up men or having babies. I feel like a lot of feminism tries to make women feel guilty for wanting to have sex and for wanting children. But I have never agreed with it, and it always made me feel badly about feminism. Cixous, though says that to refrain from doing what you want, and being with the people you want to be with would be deprivation. I love that. Like I'm sick of feeling guilty because I want things that "traditional" women want, having babies. But reading her was eye-opening. She's amazing. The essay is called "The Laugh of the Medusa." It is so great. And I really loved that quote up there. Thats what she said about the whole wanting sex and babies thing. That wanting things like that is a part of life. I kind of want to buy the book. It's only $20 on amazon. Hmm.

So yea, besides that, I'm really sad school is ending. This semester has been awesome. I've been enjoying every minute of it. Next semester I don't know how many people I will know in my classes, but I'm planning on spending more time at the college outside of class. Hopefully I'll still be able to hang out with my friends! But it will be good for the summer to come about. I'm going to do so much stuff!