1. I really, truly dislike being nonchalant. However, I find that I am nonchalant about so many things and mostly, people. It's not really something I can change or improve, because I can't help the way I feel. But if there was a pie chart of how much stuff I care about versus how much stuff I don't care about, it would be depressing to look at.
2. That being said, the things I do care about, I care deeply about. On the surface I feel like I seem like some one who doesn't give a shit about anything, but I do really care about a few things. And these things or people can make me feel more than I ever thought possible. For example, literature. I think that I have felt more pain when reading scenes from books than I have felt in many real life experiences.
3. I actually really like my personality. Despite the fact that my shyness and attitude tend to scare people off, I think that if I wasn't that way, I wouldn't like myself. Also, I don't really want people around who can't deal with my shell. I mean I think I'm pretty cool. I can understand if people don't feel the same way, but it doesn't phase me for the most part.
4. I really like witty/funny people. I don't think I could live in a world where there were no jokes. I have the utmost respect for people who continually make me laugh. If anyone ever wants to get to know me, make me laugh, and keep it up. Plus, humor is probably the sexiest thing.
5. I've known what I really want to do for a living for a long time, I've just been too logical to admit it. I want to write, and each day I am assaulted by amazing literature by amazing writers and it makes me realize that I will never ever be as good as them. It makes me sad, but I still have faith that whether I write or not, I will do something I love.
6. I know this is weird for a fat person to say, but sometimes I'm actually kind of vain. Most of it is for my teeth and my facial expressions, but I like the way my face is put together. On good days, I like to look in the mirror and just sing songs and look at how my teeth look. It's kinda gross.
7. I sincerely doubt that I will ever get married. Maybe it's because of the overwhelming and annoying daddy issues and the fact that I haven't seen many happily married couples that I genuinely believe are happy, or maybe its the fact that I really can't see myself sharing everything with a person (especially children), but I just don't think it will happen. It's not that I think I am unloveable, because even though I may be a pain, I believe there might be some one out there crazy enough to like me, I just don't think I could ever find some one I would love enough to spend the rest of my life with. And for me, I don't want to get married if it isn't going to be a life long thing. I don't want to be a part of the 54% of people who end up divorced. If I get married at all, I want it to last. It literally has gotten to the point where when I fantasize about my future life, the guy I fall in love with dies before we ever can raise a child together. It's true, because even in my fantasies I cannot imagine a life where I have everything that I want. I feel like a psychologist would have a field day with this statement.
8. Even though I am nonchalant about a lot of things, I really would like a companion. Some one who I can say anything to, and who wants to hang out with me as much as I want to hang out with them. I want a person who can make me laugh no matter what, and can tolerate me when I am upset and angry and just want to rant. I want to know some one who understands me and can read me like a book. I want some one to notice my facial movements and know what they mean, and to hear feelings in my voice. I feel like I notice these things about a lot of people, but no one knows them about me.
9. Sometimes I wish I could be less responsible. I would really like to stop caring about how much money I am going to owe when I finish college. I really want to just be able to go crazy and have fun and do something reckless. I want to be ballsy, and say what I feel and do the insane things that pop up in my head. This is a goal of mine. But not to the point where my life goes down the shitter and I am fucked for life. But to the point where I don't feel like I am lacing myself up into a tight life corset.
10. I would really like to have the ability to read people's minds sometimes. That's kind of a lie because then the mystery in life would be gone, but I would like to know what people are thinking sometimes. I like to think I am good at reading people's faces, but you can never really tell.
11. I will not lie, I am a big fan of glasses. In my opinion, they are the best accessory, and for some reason, I find men more attractive when they wear them.
12. I have problems. I probably hate talking or writing about them more than anyone else hates hearing about them. I always feel like no matter how fitting writing or talking about them are to the conversation that I will come off as whiny and looking for pity. And that is something I care about; not being thought of as whiny or asking for pity. But yes, I hate these problems, and I think they are lamer than any one else could, and I wish I could erase them from my memory, but then I would be different and I don't want to change my personality.
13. I don't admit things too often. Like if I like some one, or if I have a goal for my life or whatnot. I hate admitting these types of things because it makes it more permanent. When the words come out of my mouth, they become real. And the realness of these things makes me think that it implies that something should really be done about them. Like almost as if by uttering the admission, I am promising to stick to it and to make it a part of my life. And I don't like making things definitive like that. So if keeping these things safely locked into my brain means that I feel less obligation towards them, then that is the way things shall be.
14. I don't know what it's like to have a father. I try to downplay this and pretend it's fine, but it isn't as fine as I want it to be. I don't understand the relationships between fathers and daughters because I only see them as men and women. I don't get that connection. It's not like I was deprived of something, because to be honest, my mom probably did a better job raising me than most couples do. And I mean its not like I don't have a father, I do, but that connection was never learned for me. So when I see fathers and daughters together I don't understand it. My brain cannot understand the normalcy of those relationships, so I have to see something awful in it or see it as immaculate. I don't know what this means for me.
15. I really like being honest about myself. I think it has to do with the depravation of people not really caring enough to want to know about these stupid little details of my life. But I like when there are chances for me to express my thoughts. I like telling people what I think. Regardless of how not-outgoing I am, I like talking to people and sharing opinions. I like telling them the truth, because I respect truth. I don't like facades where people pretend to want something or do something that isn't what is true to them. I hate it when people bend the truth to try and get people to do things they want. I respect truth. I respect people who aren't afraid of the truths in life. I don't understand people that lie to themselves, because if there is one person you should be honest to, it's yourself.
16. I am terrified of never being original enough. I wish I had originality, but I feel like every thought, every word, and every thing that happens to me has happened to some one else. I feel so cookie-cutter.
So that was fun. I actually think I learned a little bit about myself. Hm. I kind of wish I could do more. I think I will try to reveal tid-bits about myself a little more often.
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