Ugh

This stuff that is going on at home is bringing up a lot of shit for me. I've been thinking about how I am starting to feel like I fit here a lot more than I fit at home. I don't like it, but I do sometimes. I just feel like it's happening by default. Like this semester I've been feeling it so much more, like that I belong here, not at home. And it makes me feel really sad. I think it has to do with this separation I've been feeling with Bri. Like I feel like we're both changing but we can't keep up with each other. I don't know. I just feel like there is a gap growing between us and I don't know how to deal with it. And worse, I sometimes don't know if I want to deal with it. I don't know. It's just not fun to think about. So I am gonna try and relax and just not go crazy about it.

But in other news, Portugal. The Man. Amazing. Obsession is an understatement. I want to live in their music. So yea, that plus beautiful weather has made my life pretty good recently. I just have been realizing how much I love it here. I feel like Iowa and I fit together nicely.

Trouble on the home-front.

So there is some stuff going down at home in NY. It is rough not being there for them. I feel like for once I could be a mediator for them. I'm just having issues dealing with it from Iowa. And I feel like I have to deal with it. I'm kind of upset about it, because I feel like history is repeating itself and no one is able to deal with it. I don't know. I just hope that I can help some how and give everyone love.

Happy Birthday young Thomas John Deegan. I don't know you, but I love you already. 3/28/10

Just a thought...

Cardigans are like a hug from God, that you can wear. :]

Yeesh. Revelations

Ok, so I've been super boring recently. I know this, but thankfully I don't have readers so I don't have to worry about it. But I am going to try and remedy this a little bit. Who knows how it will go.

So, revelations. Recently I've been a douche bag. I've been worrying a lot about how I come off. Like you know how everyone judges people automatically even though they claim they don't? Well I know I can come off as a cold hard bitch, or I can come off as an obnoxious weirdo, and then there are the few times where I come off as a relatively interesting person. Or at least this is what I think. But, back to the point, I've been worrying about this. Like to the point where I'm analyzing what I do and see if it's bad or good. Dumb. I mean I am socially awkward, so sometimes I might kind of ignore people without really knowing I am. Like I just don't have anything to say. And I think this stupid awful worry has been attributing to this awkwardness. So, I've decided to stop being a freaking tool box and just do what I do. And if people don't like me, then whateva. I mean I can't help what people think of me, so I'm going to stop caring whether I should acknowledge some one or not. I'll just do what feels right.

But...to be honest, I probably will have trouble making this transition. Practice I guess.

Another revelation, numbers suck. With this whole trying-not-to-be-fat-anymore thing, I've been obsessing over the numbers. And I've been forgetting about how great I've done so far. So, the other day I decided to throw out my scales, and I did. And even though I feel a little panicky right now about it, it will be good in the long run. Because really, I'm letting the numbers cloud everything else. And fuck the numbers, because I know I've gotten smaller. There goes my number worry!

Ok, and to finish up, a little fun fact that I found funny; A cop from the Decauter Country police has Kesha's Tik Tok as his ringtone. Bahaha.

Better now.

Ok, so this morning I was in an icky mood. It was annoying and I felt like shit. But I feel much better now. Part of the reason I'm better is because of Camera Obscura's cd, My Maudlin Career. It's a good one, and I listened to it while I was walking today. It cheered me up. BUT I was walking in the rain. That sucked. But you know, it's better that I did walk, it let my brain relax. So then I went to Artists and Materials. And I got to play with clay! And I got to use the pottery wheel. I sucked at it, but it was so fun. I wanna try it again sometime. I stayed late to try and get my stuff done, and I think I succeeded. So then I hung around and read a little bit. Yaddah yaddah. And then Mass Media class. We talked about movies. Funn. I always feel like there are so many great inputs in that class. I enjoy it. Then I went to English Lit, and we watched a documentary on Frankenstein. So then I walked home in the rain again. Blah blah blah boring shit.

But then my evening got better. I watched Seven Pounds, American Beauty, and now Pineapple Express. And while I was watching those things I did my homework and whatnot. I've had a totally chill day. It's been nice.

In other not-so-boring news, lady bugs are attracted to me. I keep on finding them on me! Like they just hang out around me or something. Weird! Also, I feel bad for the worms, because by tomorrow, they will probably be fried up on the sidewalks. I've been spending most of my day trying to not step on them because the rain brought them out. But tomorrow the sun is gonna kill them. Poor silly wormies. Ok, I'm going to stop now because it's getting boring fast.

Fuck.

I'm not weighing myself anymore. I'm done with that. From now on I'm going to just do my thing, work out, eat less, and when I feel confident I will weigh myself. I'm not doing it on a schedule anymore because it fucks me up. Like honestly, before I weighed myself, I was in a fantastic mood. I had a great sleep, and I was feeling great, and now...I feel surly. Hmf. Like I know there has to be something off, because my clothes are looser. But it still makes me feel like shit. But I'm done. I'm not doing it until I feel 100% confident. Ugh.

I feel like it will be one of those days. Hopefully I'm wrong.

Oh sheesh...

Oh boy oh boy! Today has been weird. I woke up this morning at 11:30, after working all last night. My phone had some messages so I listened to them and the last one was from the Kum & Go letting me know that the $380 that I paid out was missing. Gah! That's bad news! So I went in and searched around looking for it. We couldn't find it anywhere! I was freaking out, because I thought I might get fired. It was awful. But then we started looking at the video from last night and we found out the exact time I paid out the money. So we're watching the video, and we see me throw out the money! throw it in the garbage! So then all four of use go out to the dumpster and go through the garbage until we find it. I was so glad we found it! And thankfully my boss was really nice about it. It is kind of funny now. Yeesh, it would be bad if we hadn't found it.

So today is my last day of spring break. It kind of blowsss. But, I read 5 books, read a whole bunch, got some new clothes, and I just finished like half of my honors contract thing. So I did get a bunch done. But now I have a sick headache. Bah. And I can't take excedrin because then I'll never fall asleep. Ugh. I've gotta wake up early tomorrow. Not fun. Back to school tomorrow.

Grandma Death

I have decided that I want to grow up and be a version of Grandma Death from Donnie Darko. Except, instead of having that hairstyle, I'll have a kooky braid of gray-white hair. Also, instead of walking back and forth to check my mailbox, I'll walk back and forth waiting for the UPS man to drop off my books from Amazon. Also, kids won't come to me and ask me about time travel, but they will come to me and ask me literary questions. But besides that, I wanna be like her. Oh, and they won't call me Grandma Death, they'll call me Grandma Nerd Face. That will be the life.

I got my clothes from Old Navy today. Very excited. The V-Necks are super nice. I kind of want to buy some more, but I'll wait until I'm down another few sizes. I know it sounds bad, but I am just so glad to be able to be down to XL, and to be able to shop in not-plus size parts of stores. It's great! And soon enough I'll probably be down even more. I'd really like to get down to 16 size pants by the end of summer. I don't know if it will happen, but I'm going to try. Because right now I'm in size 20, but they are loosening up, so it is kind of possible. I think I can do it. I also want to be able to jog in summer. I hope.

I'm kind of getting nervous about the summer. Like I am kind of nervous that I'm gonna do nothing special. But I doubt it. I am gonna try really hard to lose a lot of weight and to be awesome at life. Also I hope I'll make a lot of money and read a lot of books. I think it will be good. I just hope that I don't hit another plateau. That would really suck. But I am going to keep on trying. That is all I can do.

Hair Cut

I got a haircut finally! I got it on Tuesday, but blog wouldn't let me upload the picture earlier. So yes, haircut. I like it. It's kind of short, but it's all good! I like it a lot. It feels so much lighter. Yum.

I'm cleaning my apartment today. And gosh, I am surprised I have any hair left at all! I mean the amount of hair around my apartment that I have shed is ridiculous! It's kind of gross. Oh, and yesterday I went through all my clothes. And sheesh! I got rid of a lot of things that don't fit me anymore. And by the time winter comes around again, most of the stuff left probably won't be wearable anymore. Like some of the things I kept I probably shouldn't have kept since I won't be wearing them again until winter, and by winter I should be much smaller. But as of now, I have a total of 2 capris that actually somewhat fit, and maybe 5 jeans, 3 of which that are still pretty loose. And most of my sweaters are huge. It kind of feels awesome, but it also sucks since that means I'm gonna have to buy a lot of clothes. And I hate buying new clothes knowing that by this time next year they won't fit. It's annoying.

I've already read 3 books this break, and I am hoping to read another one within the next day or so. So, I'm getting a lot done this break, and I am getting a lot of sleeping in. It's wonderful! I probably should go walking today. I might. I don't know. I kind of want to be lazy. I'll probably do sit ups and sheeyat. Eh. Whatever. Ok, back to cleaning!

Hum.

So I feel a little upset even though I don't think I really should. I just finished talking on Skype to Bri and mono and a little with mom. But like it wasn't even talking. It was like they were all talking and I was just sitting and watching. And any time I did say anything, it was like I was a fly on the wall, totally unimportant. It was kind of annoying. Like I mean I know that their lives go on with out me, that isn't the problem. But it's like when I try and talk with them like that, it's like I'm just some sort of empty vessel they want to pour information into. I don't know, I feel like by being here in Iowa, I'm losing my relationships with them. Especially Bri. Like she's just not really good with long distant relationships. And it kind of annoys me. Like she does miss me, but we never really talk, and like today, when we tried to talk, it wasn't the same. Like she was talking and mono was interacting with her, but then I felt like an intruder again. I don't know, I just felt like I was being ignored. And I don't feel like I fit in with them anymore. I don't know. I know I do, but I feel like apart from them, more so than just being physically apart from them.

And also I've realized that like no matter how much I love all of them, and I see all of them as my best friends, I can't tell any of them everything. Like I still can't confide in them. I don't know what thats about, but I always feel like I'm the listener, and it might just be because I don't have much to say, but when I feel like I do have stuff to talk about, I can't tell them, either because they are already talking enough for the both of us, or because I don't feel the need to tell them. I don't know, I don't feel like anything I have to say is of importance to them.

Well bleh. Watching Jake and Amir has cheered me up, so I'm over it. For now anyways.

Spring Break

Ok, day 2 of spring break, and I'm pretty bored. Haha. That was quick. But I probably won't be tomorrow. I hope anyways. Also, this blog marks my 40th entry. That seems pretty intense. But back to spring break talk. So, thanks to my wonderful professors I really don't have that much homework over break. Mostly I just have to read stuff, which is great, because I probably would be reading anyway. So yea, I'm hoping to finish Beloved tonight and maybe I'll get some One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest in. It's been so boring at the Kum & Go recently, all because there are no college kids. And I'm sick of talking to old creepy guys in order to not seem rude. Blech. I've been getting all my work done really quickly though, so it's good. I bet this is how it will be during summer time. I think I'm finally realizing how boring some things may be during summer, so I'm really going to have to step it up and push myself to have fun.

But, in other news, I broke my freaking plateau!!! 4 pounds! It is great. And now I feel so much more inspired to work hard. It is exactly what I needed. And this past week I was both working out at the gym and walking to class, so I got extra work outs in. What sucks is that this week the gym is gonna be closed because everyone is gone home, so I'll only be able to walk. But I'll deal. Tomorrow I'll probably go walking for an hour or so. I'm excited. I like walking. I also might get my hair cut tomorrow, or Tuesday. whenever. I can't wait for that, my hair is going to be so much easier to deal with! Yesss.

Also, I bought some new tops, and ordered some cardigans from old navy. So hopefully I can stop wearing some of the ultra-huge clothes I have. I'm like annoyed, because I know I shouldn't waste money on clothes that won't fit me in a few months, but I'm so sick of wearing all my old big clothes. Like I can finally buy clothes from regular stores, but I have no money for it. Grr. I'm getting a little sick of working so hard and not being able to treat myself. But I'm gonna get over it. I'm going to keep on working, and I will start to save and then by the time fall comes around I should be able to buy some new fun clothes. So over the summer I am going to live like a hobo, and try and live on next to nothing. Which will save me money and probably help me lose weight. So these are technically good things. I mean already I am over the most expensive months. From now on my utilities bills should be back under $100, so thats gonna be neat. Plus, I eat less during warmer weather, so that should make things better too. So, I am going to try and come out on top by the end of the summer.

Blah, this has been a boring blog, but I needed to do it. I need to get an uglier tie.

Ok some tid-bits.

I found this thing on some one's facebook. You're supposed to put like 16 random things about yourself, whether they be goals, secrets, habits, whatever. So I felt like doing this.

1. I really, truly dislike being nonchalant. However, I find that I am nonchalant about so many things and mostly, people. It's not really something I can change or improve, because I can't help the way I feel. But if there was a pie chart of how much stuff I care about versus how much stuff I don't care about, it would be depressing to look at.

2. That being said, the things I do care about, I care deeply about. On the surface I feel like I seem like some one who doesn't give a shit about anything, but I do really care about a few things. And these things or people can make me feel more than I ever thought possible. For example, literature. I think that I have felt more pain when reading scenes from books than I have felt in many real life experiences.

3. I actually really like my personality. Despite the fact that my shyness and attitude tend to scare people off, I think that if I wasn't that way, I wouldn't like myself. Also, I don't really want people around who can't deal with my shell. I mean I think I'm pretty cool. I can understand if people don't feel the same way, but it doesn't phase me for the most part.

4. I really like witty/funny people. I don't think I could live in a world where there were no jokes. I have the utmost respect for people who continually make me laugh. If anyone ever wants to get to know me, make me laugh, and keep it up. Plus, humor is probably the sexiest thing.

5. I've known what I really want to do for a living for a long time, I've just been too logical to admit it. I want to write, and each day I am assaulted by amazing literature by amazing writers and it makes me realize that I will never ever be as good as them. It makes me sad, but I still have faith that whether I write or not, I will do something I love.

6. I know this is weird for a fat person to say, but sometimes I'm actually kind of vain. Most of it is for my teeth and my facial expressions, but I like the way my face is put together. On good days, I like to look in the mirror and just sing songs and look at how my teeth look. It's kinda gross.

7. I sincerely doubt that I will ever get married. Maybe it's because of the overwhelming and annoying daddy issues and the fact that I haven't seen many happily married couples that I genuinely believe are happy, or maybe its the fact that I really can't see myself sharing everything with a person (especially children), but I just don't think it will happen. It's not that I think I am unloveable, because even though I may be a pain, I believe there might be some one out there crazy enough to like me, I just don't think I could ever find some one I would love enough to spend the rest of my life with. And for me, I don't want to get married if it isn't going to be a life long thing. I don't want to be a part of the 54% of people who end up divorced. If I get married at all, I want it to last. It literally has gotten to the point where when I fantasize about my future life, the guy I fall in love with dies before we ever can raise a child together. It's true, because even in my fantasies I cannot imagine a life where I have everything that I want. I feel like a psychologist would have a field day with this statement.

8. Even though I am nonchalant about a lot of things, I really would like a companion. Some one who I can say anything to, and who wants to hang out with me as much as I want to hang out with them. I want a person who can make me laugh no matter what, and can tolerate me when I am upset and angry and just want to rant. I want to know some one who understands me and can read me like a book. I want some one to notice my facial movements and know what they mean, and to hear feelings in my voice. I feel like I notice these things about a lot of people, but no one knows them about me.

9. Sometimes I wish I could be less responsible. I would really like to stop caring about how much money I am going to owe when I finish college. I really want to just be able to go crazy and have fun and do something reckless. I want to be ballsy, and say what I feel and do the insane things that pop up in my head. This is a goal of mine. But not to the point where my life goes down the shitter and I am fucked for life. But to the point where I don't feel like I am lacing myself up into a tight life corset.

10. I would really like to have the ability to read people's minds sometimes. That's kind of a lie because then the mystery in life would be gone, but I would like to know what people are thinking sometimes. I like to think I am good at reading people's faces, but you can never really tell.

11. I will not lie, I am a big fan of glasses. In my opinion, they are the best accessory, and for some reason, I find men more attractive when they wear them.

12. I have problems. I probably hate talking or writing about them more than anyone else hates hearing about them. I always feel like no matter how fitting writing or talking about them are to the conversation that I will come off as whiny and looking for pity. And that is something I care about; not being thought of as whiny or asking for pity. But yes, I hate these problems, and I think they are lamer than any one else could, and I wish I could erase them from my memory, but then I would be different and I don't want to change my personality.

13. I don't admit things too often. Like if I like some one, or if I have a goal for my life or whatnot. I hate admitting these types of things because it makes it more permanent. When the words come out of my mouth, they become real. And the realness of these things makes me think that it implies that something should really be done about them. Like almost as if by uttering the admission, I am promising to stick to it and to make it a part of my life. And I don't like making things definitive like that. So if keeping these things safely locked into my brain means that I feel less obligation towards them, then that is the way things shall be.

14. I don't know what it's like to have a father. I try to downplay this and pretend it's fine, but it isn't as fine as I want it to be. I don't understand the relationships between fathers and daughters because I only see them as men and women. I don't get that connection. It's not like I was deprived of something, because to be honest, my mom probably did a better job raising me than most couples do. And I mean its not like I don't have a father, I do, but that connection was never learned for me. So when I see fathers and daughters together I don't understand it. My brain cannot understand the normalcy of those relationships, so I have to see something awful in it or see it as immaculate. I don't know what this means for me.

15. I really like being honest about myself. I think it has to do with the depravation of people not really caring enough to want to know about these stupid little details of my life. But I like when there are chances for me to express my thoughts. I like telling people what I think. Regardless of how not-outgoing I am, I like talking to people and sharing opinions. I like telling them the truth, because I respect truth. I don't like facades where people pretend to want something or do something that isn't what is true to them. I hate it when people bend the truth to try and get people to do things they want. I respect truth. I respect people who aren't afraid of the truths in life. I don't understand people that lie to themselves, because if there is one person you should be honest to, it's yourself.

16. I am terrified of never being original enough. I wish I had originality, but I feel like every thought, every word, and every thing that happens to me has happened to some one else. I feel so cookie-cutter.

So that was fun. I actually think I learned a little bit about myself. Hm. I kind of wish I could do more. I think I will try to reveal tid-bits about myself a little more often.

Liz Deegan...is a tool.

For serious. I am supposed to be reading Beloved, but I am being a dumb doofus face and procrastinating. I just want to tell some one stuff. Like have a conversation where it seems like we're talking about random things but we're really learning a lot of things about each other. I feel like those types of conversations are the bestest. I am ashamed of using the word bestest seeing as it is not a word, and I should try to be a good English major and use real words. But...fuck that noise. I really enjoy that saying: "Fuck that noise." It's fun.

But in other news, next week is spring break. And I am staying here. woot? But I need this break so bad. I can always tell when I need a break. I get fidgety and I start to have real trouble working on my homework. And that is happening to me now. I just took like the whole evening to read 87 pages of Beloved. Which I enjoy doing. Break is needed!

Family

Family. I miss them! Cuties. I can't until they come and visit this summer. It will be super duper.

Hi, My name is Liz...

...and I'm a Jewaholic. Yes, it's true. I am addicted to Jews. I mean, who wouldn't be? For serious, I have a problem. Especially regarding this specific man above. Amir Blumenfeld. Ah man, talk hebrew to me! Oh Sheesh y'all 'twas a dream! Dream Guy status right there.

I feel really bad posting this after an empowering quote by Lady Gaga, but I'm not gonna go move back to NY to stalk this beautiful man (not yet anyways bahaha just kidding?). So I think I have my priorities straight...right? Just as long a I stop staying up late watching and re-watching Jake and Amir episodes.....not very likely. This is why I have a problem. Is there even an anonymous group I can go to for this issue?

The lady.

❝Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore.❞ -Lady Gaga

❤

If anyone thought for a minute that Lady Gaga was a stereotypical woman, they would be wrong. It might be cliché that I love her so much, but I see her as a beacon to new times in the music industry. I've been looking into a lot of gender role stereotypes recently, and I've found that the music industry is one of the more rigid media. But, I think Lady Gaga is doing something for that. I am amazed by her. I think that what she is doing for womanhood is underrated. Brava Gaga, Brava.

Sooo...Kanye...

ya got a big ego?

Womanhood

For the past week or so I've been thinking a lot about what womanhood is, and what it means. It was all kind of triggered a while ago when I was reading Mary Wollstonecraft's Vindication of Women. And when I was reading I was struck with this push for women to be strong. And independent and all that good stuff. But I don't know how I feel about that. I actually wrote something in my reader journal like, 'It's like taking women out of one room and locking them into another room, which may be bigger and a little more comfortable, but a room all the same.' I have a problem with this sort of feminism, that expects every single woman to be strong and independent and the ideal. I mean, do we expect all men to be like that? No. I think that people need to get past the idea that people should be anything. Why can't they just be? I'm actually basing an art project off of this. We are doing collages, and I am kind of taking up gender issues. Like one of them has this pinkish, traditional girly background, and then there is this 1950's style woman wagging her finger, and then I'm going to have Lady Gaga, in one of her barely-there outfits. Because I think that Lady Gaga is great. In my opinion she's combatting sexism by being open with her sexuality and her sexual needs. And sure, she sexes herself up, but she doesn't do it for men, she does it for fashion. I think she's wonderful, and she's going to teach girls to not be afraid of sex, thus on more equal footing as men. I'm really excited. Then I'm doing another one with the same type of background and there is a 1950's style couple on one side, and then on the other side there is one of those body-builder women and a man kneeling down to her. And I'm going to do another one with a manly background with cars and liquor and a man being the center of attention of his family, and then on top of that a picture of drag queen. The whole message is gender rules suck. I'm really interested in this stuff. I think I'm going to do my senior honors seminar on Gender Roles in the Media, and talk about how they are progressing and shifting. I think it will be great. I really like this stuff, and I hope I really get into it over the summer so I can get my seminar thing all done.

Besides that....I'm taking tomorrow off. I am pooped. And I do feel a sin coming on haha.